”Pilgrims are persons in motion – passing through
territories not their own – seeking something we might call completion (or
perhaps the word “clarity’ will do as well), a goal to which only the spirit’s
compass points the way.” -- Richard Niebuhr
I've just returned from a territory not my own:. A Kenosis
(or self-emptying) retreat at the Episcopal House of
Prayer on St. John’s University campus in Collegeville, MN. The House of
Prayer is an exquisite retreat house of wood and stone, with Gothic windows,
quiet spaces, an oratory with a soaring tiered scallop of panels reaching
toward the light. There were twelve retreatants and a retreat master--the
Director of the House of Prayer: gentle,
erudite, and compassionate Reverend Ward Bauman,
who with his brother Lynn Bauman and Cynthia
Bourgeault worked to translate The Luminous Gospels: Thomas, Mary
Magdalene, and Philip. Bauman is also the author of Sacred Food for
Soulful Living, a cookbook of recipes from the House of Prayer kitchen who,
besides guiding us and leading all the meditation sessions, also prepared our
every meal which was the most delicious vegetarian food I've ever eaten.
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| House of Prayer Dormitory section |
I entered the
retreat, determined that I was going to “make it” this time. I’d empty myself and
travel into the fullness of God’s presence. So intent was I on making this
retreat the “retreat of all retreats” that I got caught up in trying to force
self-emptying even though I knew that all meditation requires is the
willingness to participate. . . that the action is God’s. Confronted with
myself as full of myself, I was miserable.
Perhaps I wasn't meant to achieve divine union, I thought, but if this
was so, why the more than 50 years of yearning and search for this grace? Why
the desire if God did not mean than I take this journey?
There’s nothing quite like smashing into oneself. It’s a
humbling and grace-filled encounter with darkness which brought me to the point
where all I could do was accept where I was at and be grateful I was anywhere
at all. It wasn't until the final two days of this intense silent retreat that
I found myself willing to be where I was, as I was, and in that acceptance I
fell into God. For a time, at least. As Niebuhr says, Pilgrims are persons in
motion, seeking a completion to which only the spirit’s compass points the way.
The spirit is always at work even when we’re off track, leading us gently back
to where we belong.
